Levels of Hockey Participants
January 25th, 2006
TEAM COACH
• Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
• Is more powerful than a locomotive
• Is faster than a speeding bullet
• Walks on water
• Gives policy to God
TEAM CAPTAIN
• Leaps short buildings with single bound
• Is more powerful than a switch engine
• Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
• Walks on water if the sea is calm
• Talks with God
ASSISTANT CAPTAIN
• Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
• Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
• Is faster than a speeding bullet
• Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
• Talks with God if special request is granted
DEFENSEMAN
• Barely clears a quonset hut
• Loses tug-of-war with a switch engine
• Can fire a speeding bullet
• Swims well
• Is occasionally addressed by God
FORWARD
• Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap tall buildings
• Is run over by a locomotive
• Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
• Dog paddles
• Talks to animals
ROOKIE
• Runs into buildings
• Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
• Is not issued ammunition
• Talks to walls
REFEREE
• Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
• Says “Look at the Choo-choo!”
• Wets himself with a water pistol
• Plays in mud puddles
• Mumbles to himself
GOALIE
• Lifts buildings and walks under them
• Kicks locomotives off the tracks
• Catches speeding bullets with his teeth and eats them
• Freezes water with a single glance (who needs a Zamboni?)
• He is God

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